you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
