wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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