i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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