god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
