I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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