my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It was confusing and full of hummus
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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