He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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