Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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