I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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