Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
