I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
