Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
