she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Dignity is for republicans.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
