if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
