Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
