I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
