I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
