Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
