I got chris browned last night
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He has the fingertips of a God
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