Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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