i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
