he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
