If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
