Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
