I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
