Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(586): View more from Michigan

I wish my penis had an off switch

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(586): I wish my penis had an off switch http://tfl.nu/bdrc

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(206): View more from Washington

I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.

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(206): I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work. http://tfl.nu/jzpk

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(239): View more from Florida

and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.

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(239): and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer. http://tfl.nu/xmgi

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(910): View more from North Carolina

no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.

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(910): no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender. http://tfl.nu/cz6b

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(314): View more from Missouri

i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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(314): i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting. http://tfl.nu/k93x

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"

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(262): She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us" http://tfl.nu/wksb

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(207): View more from Maine

FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.

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(207): FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS. http://tfl.nu/a3c7

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer

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(814): Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer http://tfl.nu/nk2m

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(630): View more from Illinois

This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax

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(630): This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax http://tfl.nu/k33t

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.

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(724): I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/fuww

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(763): View more from Minnesota

pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.

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(763): pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/e4q8

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(323): View more from California

There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream

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(323): There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream http://tfl.nu/r44r

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(319): View more from Iowa

Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question

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(319): Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question http://tfl.nu/zh3n

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(550): View more from

I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.

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(550): I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone. http://tfl.nu/3axh

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.

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(706): Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes. http://tfl.nu/784u

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