Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.