i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
