Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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