bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
