Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
