your parents love me but you hate me
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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