I wanna bring you to show and tell
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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