Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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