a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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