I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
