I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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