there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
