i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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