I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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