there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
