I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
