I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
