I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
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I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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