I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
