Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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