mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
