two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
