just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
