I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
