As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
