I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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