so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
After last night, I could never be a politician.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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