Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
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I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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