I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
