i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
